Here are some facts about Chauncey, OH. There are one thousand, sixty-seven citizens in Chauncey, OH. Economic data shows that median income in Chauncey, OH, makes up twenty-four thousand, eight hundred and twenty-one dollars. [f1] The median age of a Chauncey, OH citizen is thirty-three point nine. The total population of males in Chauncey, OH is 506. The percentage for females is forty-seven point four two percent. The estimate number of households in Chauncey, OH is four hundred and thirty-one. The city has reasonable weather and views.
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This is a story I'm writing. Be as critical as you like, and point out any flaws. Thanks!
Jassie Elyse Phillips walked the long walk down her new school’s hallway. None of her schools had been this wide and vast; not even her last school, Winsor Academy. Maplewood Academy was a rich school. Her family was very rich, but she knew she wouldn’t fit in. She stood out from all the beautiful blue-eyed blondes and brunettes with perfected features that she’d seen on the campus field when she hopped out of her father’s Hummer limo ... View All
This is a story I'm writing. Be as critical as you like, and point out any flaws. Thanks!
Jassie Elyse Phillips walked the long walk down her new school’s hallway. None of her schools had been this wide and vast; not even her last school, Winsor Academy. Maplewood Academy was a rich school. Her family was very rich, but she knew she wouldn’t fit in. She stood out from all the beautiful blue-eyed blondes and brunettes with perfected features that she’d seen on the campus field when she hopped out of her father’s Hummer limo.
She walked alongside her mother, Marie Jane, whose elegant bun was twisted perfectly on top of her head. Jassie was instantly annoyed at the sound of her clacking Stiletto heels on the waxed marble floor. She rolled her eyes and shut out the sound by thinking of her future at Maplewood. She’d been going to small private schools her whole life, even though her parents had wanted her in a nice boarding school like this one.
But last year, for her first year of high school, to her dismay, they enrolled her in Winsor Academy, and she hated the school immediately. Over the summer, they moved from her hometown of Palm Springs, California to the rich neighborhoods of Boston, Massachusetts. And here she was, about to start her first day at Maplewood Academy.
Jassie was very nervous, wondering what the school would be like. She knew it would have a zero tolerance policy and would give no second chances. Everyone would be expected to get good grades, blah blah blah. She had the disciplinary and academic part down. She was just scared of standing out. Her dark red hair, freckles, and crystal-green eyes wouldn’t be a common trait she could share with all these Maplewood students. She figured that out when saw the students hanging out on campus.
Her mother slowed to a stop, looking down at Jassie’s schedule. “It says here, that your dorm is in Hillcrest Hall,” she said.
“Yeah, I kind of read the schedule when I got it, thanks,” said Jassie dismissively to her mother.
“Don’t get an attitude at me, Jassie. I know you don’t want to be here, but your Father and I are doing what’s best for you. This school is a…” Ugh, now she’ll never stop talking, thought Jassie, extremely annoyed.
An hour later, Jassie had gotten the key to her new dorm. Her mother sent for her butler, Henri, to get her suitcases.
“You can open it now,” said Mrs. Phillips, impatiently.
“I know,” said Jassie. She twisted the key in the lock and pushed open the door. Her first reaction: “Um.”
A tall, blonde girl with highlights was on the bed chatting on a hot pink cell phone. She was wearing a pink sleeveless shirt with matching shorts. There were seven open Louis Vuitton suitcases sprawled on the floor, spewing hot pink clothes and purses. Everything was so…pink. “Um,” Jassie said again.
“Oh, are you my roomie?” asked the blonde, covering her cell with one hand and staring at Jassie. “I mean, duh, of course you’re my roomie, since you’re here and you have your suitcase…” she said, feeling stupid. “Uh, hold on,” she said, holding up a finger. “Yeah, Kayla, I gotta, like, go. My new roomie’s here. Yeah. What? Huh? Really? Oh my gosh, shut up! He did not!” the girl continued to talk on the phone, forgetting there were two people standing in front of her.
Jassie gave her mother an anxious look, and they walked into the room. Chauncey
hauled Jassie’s luggage into the room. Jassie looked around. Well, it’s pretty roomy, she thought. And has a nice view. I could get used to living here, she thought with a smile.
The blonde girl had now hung up the phone and hopped off the bed.
“Sorry about that,” she said. “That was my bff, Jill. Her boyfriend kissed this skanky redhead---like, right in front of her! It’s so over between the two of them. I mean, what a jerk, right?”
“Um, right,” said Jassie. “Uh, so…”
“Oh, I’m Kayleigh Burlington,” said the blonde, walking up to Jassie and her Mrs. Phillips to shake their hands. “Oh my gosh, I love those heels!” she said to Mrs. Phillips.
“Well, thank you Kayleigh,” said Mrs. Phillips, surprisingly. Jassie wasn’t big on fashion, so she never really received compliments from her. She was delighted for an opportunity to converse with an adolescent girl about fashion, since Jassie had never discussed fashion trends.
“I got them at Nordstrom,” said Mrs. Phillips.
“Yeah, she did,” said Jassie, irritated. “Okay, um, I have to unpack, so I’ll just take this bed over here,” she said, taking a suitcase from Chauncey and plopping it on her new, sheetless bed. Her mom walked up to her and gave her a big hug.
“Oh, Jassie, I’m going to miss you so much!” she said, holding her tight. Jassie rolled her eyes. Mom is such a drama queen. But it made her feel better inside, knowing her mom would miss her so much.
“Yeah, I’ll miss you too, Mom,” said Jassie, hugging her back.
“Okay,” said Mrs. Phillips. “You have your cell, right?
“Yes, mom,” said Jassie.
“Your money?”
“Yes
Thanks for the help and opinions!
Sorry, I wrote more, but there is a limit to how many words that can go on here.
I didn't know it got cut off!
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